I didn’t know how to stop.

I would eat mindlessly, completely overtaken by my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I struggled with bingeing and purging. Acting impulsively became the only way I knew how to cope with what I was experiencing internally.

I would also work out excessively, often pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.

I remember feeling this deeply in high school. I was attached to who I was, how I looked, and how others perceived me — everything felt tied to my worth. I remember I used to drive with my chest almost touching the steering wheel, anxiety-ridden and completely lost in my head. I also got pulled over a few times for speeding back then, not because I wanted to go fast, but because I wasn’t present. My mind was always somewhere else.

Living on Autopilot

I lived almost entirely in my head, and because of that, I believed every thought I had. Which unfortunately, were not the most uplifting, encouraging thoughts about myself.

Generally speaking, my body felt numb. I felt disconnected from myself. Often dissociated. Like I was basically going through the motions of my life on autopilot. Not to mention the constant undercurrent of anxiety and resistance I felt to almost everything.

I wasn’t sure how to process what I felt or how to safely feel emotions without becoming engulfed by them. Somewhere along the way, I labeled certain emotions as “acceptable” and others as “bad.” That only created more shame, confusion, and suffering.

I felt like I was riding passenger in my own life — fearful, mentally checked out, and disconnected from any real sense of control.

Discovering Mindfulness

Then I was introduced to mindfulness.

Blessings to my dear friend Christopher. He passed away, and yesterday was his birthday. He was deeply influential in my journey into mindfulness and self-compassion, and I owe a great deal of my growth to him.

Mindfulness is the practice of purposefully focusing your attention on the present moment — your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surroundings — and accepting them without judgment.

At first, I thought I was practicing mindfulness, but really, I was unknowingly using it to reinforce my perfectionism.

Learning Non-judgment

A core component of mindfulness is the non-judgment piece, yet my inner critic constantly hovers over me. I can become hyper-aware of myself, but not with compassion — with criticism. I’ve thought if I can became mindful enough, self-aware enough, maybe I can finally “fix” myself.

But mindfulness is not about fixing yourself.

It’s about learning how to be with yourself.

We practice mindfulness by inviting curiosity and compassion into our experience. We all suffer. We all have thoughts we cannot control. But we can develop a healthier relationship with our inner world, and thus, outer world.

Mindfulness has taught me that our thoughts are not facts.

Returning to the Present Moment

The mind wanders — that’s what it does.

We may not be able to control every thought that appears, but we can learn how to respond differently to them. We can choose where we direct our attention.

Mindfulness creates a certain kind of space. Between stimulus and reaction, we reclaim our agency. By learning to pause, take a breath, and respond with curiosity rather than an automatic reaction.

Mindfulness has also helped me understand emotions differently. Instead of fearing emotions or pushing them away, we can learn to treat them like visitors — temporary guests arriving and leaving.

This changes how we relate to other people, too.

When we learn how to sit compassionately with our own emotions, we become less afraid of the emotions of others. We begin to understand that feelings are temporary. Nothing is fixed. No one is permanently one thing.

We are all constantly changing, growing, and evolving.

That’s why mindfulness is called a practice. It’s a lifelong journey of returning to the present moment, again and again.

Not perfectly. Just intentionally. Because intention does not grip. It is more like an anchor we can gently return to.

What Mindfulness Looks like in Daily Life

What do you see right now?

What do you feel?

How is your breath?

Are you here, or has your mind drifted somewhere else entirely?

So much of life passes by while we are trapped inside the noise of our own thoughts.

Mindfulness invites us back into our lives.

Not through force, but through kind noticing. Returning. Becoming aware without immediately reacting or judging yourself.

Some ways we can begin practicing mindfulness are:

• Developing self-awareness around our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and patterns
• Paying attention to physical sensations and our environment
• Taking intentional pauses throughout the day to breathe and check in with ourselves
• Learning when to rest instead of constantly pushing ourselves
• Gently redirecting our attention when the mind wanders
• Inviting curiosity instead of criticism
• Practicing non-judgment toward ourselves and others
• Grounding ourselves through the breath, movement, or the senses

I like to purposefully dedicate time to practice mindfulness. For me, this includes practices like meditation, writing, movement, yoga, art, and reading. Sometimes it is sitting quietly with myself, and other times it is simply becoming fully present with what I am already doing.

Purpose being to invite it into our everyday lives.

Like washing dishes, drinking coffee, in conversation, folding laundry, driving, showering, or feeling the sun on your skin during a walk.

Overall the practice is less about what you are doing and more about how you are experiencing it.

Loosening Our Grip

And we can invite humor into the journey!

I can be so serious sometimes while practicing, but honestly, I think there is something humorous about all of it too — the micromanaging, the overthinking, the constant attempt to control everything.

Mindfulness reminds us that we do not need to hold life so tightly.

We can loosen our grip.

We can soften.

We can breathe.

It helps us become less attached to every passing thought, identity, or emotion. We begin observing our experience with more light-heartedness instead of becoming completely consumed by it.

Returning to Yourself

Mindfulness helps us experience each day with fresher eyes.

We learn to respond with greater awareness instead of automatic reaction.

How to let go.

We learn when to rest.

How to pay attention with openness and acceptance.

We learn how to notice ourselves with kindness instead of punishment.

And slowly, we reconnect with our wholeness.

Mindfulness, to me, is not about becoming someone new.

It is about returning to yourself.

It is about remembering that beneath the noise, the fear, the perfectionism, and the self-judgment, there is already something whole within you.

The practice is simply learning how to come back to it.

Again and again.

<3

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